Why It's so Hard to Stop People-Pleasing

These days you love to refer to yourself as a "recovering people pleaser", and yet, your texts are still full of apologies for having needs.

• "No worries if not, but…",

• "Sorry for bringing this up again, but…",

and the list goes on.

Maybe you've begun asking for help more or you've become more vocal when your feelings are hurt. Each time you take that risk though, you find yourself worrying you're asking for too much.

If you're looking into therapy for people-pleasing or other relationship issues in Kingston, you've probably tried a lot in hopes it would make putting yourself first feel easier. You've saved endless tiktoks and reels about how "no is a full sentence" or how to "write emails like a boss". I would guess that no matter how many of those videos you watch, speaking your mind still makes you feel like something bad is going to happen.

This doesn't mean you're broken. Somewhere along the way, you probably just learned that it's safer to focus on other people's needs than your own.

People-Pleasing Is About More Than Just Struggling to Say No

Sometimes, clients who tell me they're recovering people-pleasers struggle with more than just saying no. Signs it runs deeper often include:

• Struggling to take compliments because they hate being the centre of attention

• Offering more emotional support than they're getting from parents, older siblings, and partners

• Feeling resentful in more than one of their friendships

• Feeling like the care they have for others is rarely reciprocated

• Struggling to make decisions without running them by other people

Where It Comes From

Everybody's people-pleasing origin story is unique, but often, it comes from a place of wanting to protect ourselves from a certain kind of pain as a child. The pain of:

• A parent's tears that feel like your fault

• Feeling invisible unless you were being "useful"

• Feeling afraid that something unpleasant might happen (e.g., somebody leaving, judgment, rejection, an argument)

Experiencing this kind of discomfort as a child often forces us to come up with strategies to prevent it from happening again. If the strategy turns down that discomfort even slightly as a kid, it often sticks around into adulthood. One of these strategies is people-pleasing.

So you protect your coworker's feelings even though yours have been hurt. You ask your partner how you can help before considering your capacity. You apologize frantically at the first sign of a friend's annoyance. All in an effort to avoid a familiar discomfort.

The Cost of People-Pleasing

This was a great strategy once, but now it costs more than it's worth. When all of your focus is on keeping other people comfortable, you begin to ignore yourself. Over time, you wind up in unsatisfying relationships, with a job you dread, all the while not knowing what it is you truly want and need.

At this point, you might be thinking, "sure that makes sense, but how do I stop?"

The answer to that question is different for everybody, but therapy is a great place to start. Within the safety of a therapeutic relationship, you can practice receiving non-judgmental care without working so hard to earn it. Your therapist can also help explore your unique history for opportunities to reconnect with your unmet needs.

With consistent therapy, many of my clients who were once people-pleasers have begun to live happier lives full of things that actually meet their wants and needs. Ironically, learning how to stop people-pleasing often leaves them more capable of showing up for their communities because they're no longer pouring from an empty cup.

A Tough Pill to Swallow

The harsh truth about people-pleasing is that the people who love and care for you are rarely truly pleased by your efforts because you're forgetting yourself in the process. If you're ready to change that, I'd love to help.

I offer direct and compassionate people-pleasing therapy in-person in Kingston and virtually across Ontario. Book your free 15-minute consultation today to see if we're a good fit.