It Happened So Long Ago, Why Am I Still Grieving?

You've probably heard of the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Have you ever actually grieved that way? If your answer was no, and you're looking for grief support in Kingston, keep reading.

In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross published a book entitled On Death and Dying to propose the Kübler-Ross model of dying. Believe it or not, she was writing about patients with terminal illnesses, not people who had recently lost a loved one. Kübler-Ross was a psychiatric resident who took an interest in demystifying the psychological experiences of terminally ill patients. After interviewing several of these patients, she came up with those five familiar, but misunderstood, stages.

Despite its widespread popularity as a way to understand grief, the Kübler-Ross model was not conceived with the bereaved in mind, and was only based on anecdotal evidence.

Why We Likely Misapplied The 5 Stages of Dying

When we lose somebody we care about, the pain we endure can feel insurmountable, almost as if it'll never subside. Everywhere we look, we're met with reminders of what once was and will never be again. On top of that pain, it becomes harder to do the things that keep us well like eating, sleeping, and socializing. Grief leaves us experiencing life in ways that go completely against our predictable normal.

As human beings, we gravitate toward simplicity and predictability. The COVID-19 pandemic was an illuminating example of this. During such unprecedented times, many of us found ourselves overwhelmed by the ever-evolving news cycle and social expectations. In reaction to this, we sought out predictability through routine. People engaged in hobbies that required regular and sustained commitment like sourdough baking, home improvement, and at-home fitness.

What does this have to do with grief? When loss upends our lives, our natural desire for simplicity pushes us to look for a clear, predictable road forward. This makes the 5 stages of dying quite tempting to cling to as a comfort through our pain. It's understandable that so many people adopted the Kübler-Ross model as if it were a fact of life. The problem is that grief does not progress in clean, distinct steps, and expecting it to do so sets us up for even more discomfort than we would've bargained for.

How This Can Complicate Our Grief

When comparing the 5 stages to your own grieving journey, there's often a major mismatch. You might wonder why, years after a significant loss, you're not feeling acceptance yet, or why you've never fully let go of your anger. It can be easy to blame yourself when you're convinced that grief is supposed to look a certain way.

My hope for anybody reading this post is that they seriously consider what I have to say next. If you've lost somebody you loved, you are allowed to feel whatever it is that you're feeling about it, no matter how long it's been. There is no wrong way to feel (or not feel) grief.

Many clients of mine are grieving something or someone. That might look like mourning the loss of a family member or grieving the version of you that could have been if a parent had noticed your ADHD symptoms early. Whatever you're missing, grief therapy in Kingston can help you make sense of your pain and allow yourself more grace to feel it in your own way.

Book your free, 15-minute consultation today to see if we'd be a good fit. If you're not sure yet, check out this guide to what to expect during a first session.